Motherhead

In today’s world, kids are falling prey to unending pressure to fit in and conform to the norms of whatever “squad” they are hanging with. While I have done my best to instill values and common sense into my “technically” adult son, I know he will make mistakes. I am giving him the freedom to make those mistakes (within reason), but he also has the reassurance that I can help him to rectify his mistakes if that becomes too big of a challenge for him to manage on his own. He knows that I have his back, and can be there to help him in the blink of an eye should he need it, and my stalker app aids me in this mission.

I use a stalker app on my child’s phone (you should too, if I’m being honest!). No, I don’t stalk him. However, when he turns location services OFF (I get an alert), numerous scenarios play out in my Motherhead. Why does he not want me to know where he is? What is he trying to hide? Is his youthful and naive ass up to no good? Has he been abducted and his captors know I can track his every move and will dispatch a world of hurt on their no good asses once I arrive on scene? Has his phone been stolen, and the perps wish to NOT be found? In 100% of these cases…to date…these wild scenarios could not be further from the truth. However, my point is Motherhead wanders and thinks, rethinks, and overthinks! Reality generally kicks in before I even have to mention anything. He is 18, and he is more likely than not simply exercising his independence. He is growing into a mature and responsible man and simply wishes to have that recognized. My reality is this: I trust my “adult” 18 year old son, but I still have an undying maternal instinct to protect him. And, should the need arise, I will have a decent idea where he is physically located – or at a minimum – where his phone was last physically located.

One such example occurred when Thing 2 attended a late night “gathering” at a high school friends house. I know what you’re thinking, nothing good can come of late night gatherings, but again, he has to be allowed to grow up and make independent decisions using the good sense and values that I have worked so hard to instill in him. And all of that considered, we still have rules: absolutely no drinking if you are not staying (I do not condone underage drinking, but I am not naive enough to believe it doesn’t happen, so we set limits and rules around it), under no circumstances should you set foot in a car with anyone that has been drinking (even one single drink), be respectful, responsible, and make good decisions that you can live with and be proud of, and so on. So, the late night gathering of friends mutates into a late night caravan of friends heading to Walmart, which I only learned after “The Alert” and sudden “loss” of location services. Read on.

Shortly after midnight, my phone pinged. There it was. “Thing 2 completed a drive. Top speed 98mph.” Yes, you and I both read that right…98mph! WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F*CK! As you can justly imagine, Motherhead reigns supreme in instances like this! Don’t panic! This must be some mistake. Thing 2 would NEVER drive that fast! I’ve raised him to understand that driving this fast is reckless and dangerous! But, what if he caved to peer pressure? What if he was racing some other teenage jackass? No way! Not Thing 2. Never. I open the stalker app. Hmm…”Locations Services Off”. That little a**hole. Why? Why would he put his life in jeopardy by driving like a damn fool, and then have the nerve to try to hide it. I’ve had my license for over 30 years and never drove that fast. I can see on the map where he last was when this 98mph drive was completed, but now he’s virtually disappeared. Assumptions were made. So, I text, and I text again – several texts of the “call me now” variety. No response. Then I call, and I call again. No answer. Now I worry. What if the unimaginable happened? Jesus, I hope this kid is alright. I text and call again. Nothing. Then I screen shot “The Alert” and send a group text to him and “Uncle Dad”, because I should not be the only parent wide awake and worrying about his Autobahn adventures at this hour. Neither of them responds. Uncle Dad is sleeping soundly 60 miles away. So, the barrage of texts and calls to Thing 2 continues until he finally musters up enough courage and good sense to call me back. Immediate relief when I hear his voice, but then relief turns to absolute fury! And before you say it, I know this is not the way to foster open communication and trust with your teen, but damn it, I’m pissed! He continues to explain…”We’re at Walmart, I was not driving (as if this should somehow make me feel better), one of my “friends” (I would rethink that label) was driving and I asked her to slow down.” Oh how lovely. I think, so, you’re at Walmart at nearly 12:30AM, getting God knows what – really who cares at this point – and must now get back into the car with this careless teen driver to make the trek back home. OVER MY DEAD BODY WILL YOU SET FOOT IN HER CAR AGAIN! The conversation continues…”I’m coming to get you! Under no circumstances will you get back into that car!”. “No mom, you’re not coming.” (The multitude of profanities escaping my mouth at this very moment surprised even me, but I’ll keep in PG for this post). I demand (apparently that was funny because he laughed, which only enraged me more) that he either allow me to come and get him or that I send an Uber to pick him up. He refuses to comply (he will pay for this later, and yes….more profanity). Oh, and in the midst of all of this…”TURN THE LOCATION SERVICES ON OR YOU WILL NOT LEAVE THIS HOUSE FOR THE REST OF THE SUMMER!”…after all, I am still the parent, and you do still live under my roof! He complies, and offers up an alternative to both the embarrassing “mom pickup” and Uber…he will drive home with the other, “presumably” more responsible driver. This does very little to easy my fear, worry, fury, and every other emotion I’m feeling at that moment, but I acquiesce, because what else can I do really?

I watch his entire drive home on the stalker app, and can see that never once does this “presumably” more responsible driver exceed the posted speed limit – thank you God for small favors. They arrive back at the late night gathering spot, after which Thing 2 promptly gets his ass back home, fully anticipating the tongue lashing of all tongue lashings. It did not transpire. Thing 2 quietly walked in and stood motionless in the foyer, waiting. He would have to wait another day. I was spent – emotionally drained, relieved, and just flat out tired. We would discuss this event, but not tonight. Tonight, I will let Motherhead drift off with the peaceful knowledge that Thing 2 is home safe.