Motherhead

The Hub and I share a blended family of the “Yours, Mine, and Ours” variety. We are each other’s second marriage, and each of us brought a “Thing” or two with us into our union. Named accordingly by birth order, Thing 1 and Thing 3, The Girls, belong to The Hub (and Cruella – but she’s a post…or two…or three…for another day. Get the idea?). Thing 2, The Boy, is mine (and his dad’s…who I sometimes refer to as “Uncle Dad”, because fun weekends). Thing 4, The Little Man, is ours, conceived in love…and also while I was on the pill. He is among the .05-1% that sneak through the gates (according to statistics on oral contraceptive efficacy), and was therefore, part of God’s plan. He is destined for greatness in ways that Things 1 through 3 may not be. That’s not to say that they will not do great things in their lifetimes, but Thing 4 defied some pretty hefty odds, so I can only assume there is something greater planned for him.

The Hub and I have been married for 8 years, and while not every day has been blissful, most are at least happy. Blending comes with unique challenges, and we have not been immune to any of them. The challenges of blending could be a blog in and of itself, but I will keep it abridged for purposes of this introduction, after which we will dive straight into Motherhead. We are blessed that the “Things” have bonded as if they were related by blood (including the sibling rivalry and frequent bickering). Thing 1 and Thing 2 are the same age, and were in the same grade in our small-town school system until their recent high school graduation. Thing 3 was not always in their inner circle. Though only one year behind, she was often left out, sometimes as a result of her imagination and other times because she very willingly played the role of annoying little sister. She tends toward passive aggression, while Things 1 and 2 are the laid back and straightforward type, who very clearly see the passive aggression for what it is.

When the Hub and I married, Thing 2 and I relocated 60+ miles, and sacrificed all that we knew for the life that we know and mostly love today. Thing 1 was instrumental in helping Thing 2 become part of our small-town community, even before we moved to town. He ultimately found his place, and “squad”, largely due to her desire to help him fit it. The transition for Thing 2, however, was about as smooth as a cat’s tongue. We initially moved to a larger neighboring town, two weeks into the 6th grade school year. Thing 2 struggled to fit in for two very long years! While we loved our home, we decided that the long term benefits of moving….again…would outweigh the short term inconvenience. Thing 2 had no reservations, as he had already met and befriended many of the kids he would spend the next 5+ years with, and he hasn’t looked back. I have no doubts that we made the right decision, but the change hasn’t been as easy for me.

Thing 1 is The Hub and Cruella’s first born, and is true to the typical first born personality type. She has a very strong desire to be the center of attention, so assuming the role of “Thing 2 Orientation Leader” came very naturally to her. Showing Thing 2 the ropes just kind of happened, and whatever the motivation, it was appreciated. Thing 1, like most teen girls today, is plagued by vanity. While she is a very beautiful young woman, she tries too hard to prove her beauty to the world. She is a very motivated, kind, and caring person, but can also be very calculating and manipulative. She very much likes having things her way. She loved being the center of Daddy’s world, and early on in our marriage it felt as though she would prefer to live in a world where I didn’t exist. Thankfully, as both she and our marriage matured, those feelings faded (at least the outward projection of them), and our relationship took a turn for the better. Though I don’t see her often (there’s a backstory), I miss having her around, as our family doesn’t feel complete without her.

Thing 2, my first born, was an only child for nearly 11 years. He was the center of my universe for those 11 years, and I loved him then as I love him today, more than life itself. Sadly, looking back on the 8 plus years that have passed since The Hub and I married, I realize now that I may have taken the strength of our bond for granted at times, or more likely, I may have underestimated how much he would need me the way he had in the years that preceded my second marriage. Even worse, I let The Hub’s desire to turn him into a man impact how I related and interacted with him. I also focused so much of my attention on building the new relationships that came with our blended family, that I neglected to continue nurturing our relationship at times. This is a very difficult thing to come to terms with, and will remain something that I deeply regret. However, I cannot turn back the hands of time, so the only choice I have is to move forward ensuring that he feels loved, wanted, and supported in all that he endeavors.

Thing 3, the second child to The Hub and Cruella, in her own words, took a back seat to Thing 1 for the majority of her younger life. When The Hub and I started dating, it was readily apparent that she was thrilled to have someone new to interact with, someone not already mesmerized by the persona of Thing 1. Because of this, she was more open to me being a part of their lives. She and I naturally gravitated to one another. She needed me as much as I needed her. In the presence of Thing 1, we both seemed to be fighting for attention from The Hub, and often caught each other’s attention instead. While she and Thing 1 are very close, at that time there was also a level of resentment that resulted from Thing 1’s desire to own the spotlight. Like Thing 1, she is also a very kind and caring person, with natural beauty that she doesn’t always recognize. She also exerts a level of passive aggression that makes more sense the more I write about it, yet I still find this trait unnerving. Despite some occasional bumping of heads, she and I have an understanding for one another that had enabled us to grow and stay close.

These relationships are still fairly immature, and as the days pass we continue to grow as a family unit, but there are still challenges. We still struggle with the “You’re not my parent!” dynamic at times, but I believe our almost adult children realize now that we love and care for each of them. The reality of our situation is that we are no different from most blended families. We love, we laugh, we fight, we cry. While the love we have for one another may not have been innate, the way a birth parent loves their child from conception, the love for MY children has grown to be a love that will never be severed. Biology aside, these children are mine, and Motherhead will reign supreme for each of them!